SWEET on top. SMOKE in the curves.

Mara Calilung died today. At seventeen years old, gone. We came from the same high school and the same dance troupe. She’s my niece’s best friend. She died of pneumonia. Last night, I was told she was in the ICU of St. Luke’s Hospital, and that she was stable. I was relieved. This morning, I woke up to a text message from my friend Andrew saying, "asa heaven na si mara." It’s sad — I’m sad. I can’t believe someone so young, beautiful, talented and kind could leave this world so soon. She has the potential to be a good grown-up, I think. I received the text message at 7:34 AM. I started praying. I went back to sleep. I tried, at least. Then it dawned on me: life is too short. Too short, indeed.

I was actually thinking about my life the past few days. I was in a crisis. I regret how I spent my years trying to do what I was told or what was expected of me by my family and the world I was thrown into; how I lost sight of what I really wanted; how I set aside passion for legal education; how I let fear and desire impede my actions and control my reactions. Fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of becoming a disappointment and the desire to meet the expectations laid before me since childhood. These factors led me to become a safe player. Eventually, the existing expectations were met and new ones surfaced. And the cycle continues: fear and desire again come into play. It might never end unless I acknowledge its occurence.

At first I thought I was just bored with the monotony of it all. Nothing really happens to me. At least, nothing spectacular or amazing. Even the occasional highlights were short-lived. Everything is routinary. There is a scarcity for sources of inspiration.  I find myself daydreaming about how it could have been if I gave in to art/business/travel instead of law. The bubble bursts when this question pops up: Will I be able to afford it? The reality is that had I not been able to finish law, I would not be able to get employed in this firm (which is actually the only firm I can see myself in) and eventually afford to live my own dreams. Sabi nila libre lang ang mangarap. Pero hanggang pangarap na lang ba?  Maybe I should do something about it. Because life is too short. Too short, indeed.

I’m not saying I don’t want to be a lawyer. Not yet. It’s too early to get disillusioned with the profession. I would like to believe that there is more to the practice than just being a bandage to someone else’s wound. I am currently standing on the border separating youth from responsibility. I want to feel young - because I am young. Having entered the Law School at the age of 19, I was forced to grow old too fast. While most kids my age at that time were dealing with juvenile issues,  I had to find legal issues in Oposa vs. Factoran, etc.  I want to finally experience how it feels like to enjoy life and maybe do what I should be doing (once I figure out what that is) before it’s too late, and I’m stuck in mediocre-mode. I don’t want to be all wrinkly and pruney when I finally realize the significance of my existence.  I want to know what I want and know how to get it. I want to be inspired. So that when I’m all wrinkly and pruney, I could honestly say that I lived. Because life is too short. Too short, indeed.

Mara lived a beautiful life. She danced like nobody’s watching. She sang so well, Magic Sing nights could very well be endless. She was a good daughter to her parents, a good friend to my niece. At seventeen years old, she was happy. She was loved. Her life was short, but it was well-spent.  May her spirit soar in the peaceful and loving arms of the Father. May her soul rest in peace.

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